Vanochtend las ik dit en het hielp.
This mara is most closely associated to our fear of death, but really, according to Pema Chodron, it is actually more a fear of life. “We think that if we just meditated enough or jogged enough or ate perfect food, everything would be perfect. But from the point of view of someone who is awake, that’s death. Seeking security or perfection, rejoicing in feeling confirmed and whole, self-contained and comfortable, is some kind of death. It doesn’t have any fresh air. There’s no room for something to come in and interrupt all that. We are killing the moment by controlling our experience. Doing this is setting ourselves up for failure, because sooner or later, we’re going to have an experience we can’t control; our house is going to burn down, someone we love is going to die, we’re going to find out we have cancer, a brick is going to fall out of the sky and hit us on the head, somebody’s going to spill tomato juice all over our white suit, or we’re going to arrive at our favorite restaurant and discovered no one’s ordered produce and 700 people are coming for lunch. The essence of life is that it’s challenging. Sometimes it’s sweet and sometimes it’s bitter. Sometimes your body tenses, and sometimes it relaxes or opens. Sometimes you have a headache, and sometimes you feel 100 percent healthy. From an awakened perspective, trying to tie up all the loose ends and finally get it all together is death, because it involves rejecting a lot of your life experience. There is something aggressive about this approach to life, trying to flatten out all the rough spots and imperfections into a nice smooth ride.”
Straks worden er biopten genomen uit de lymfeklieren in mijn nek, want de PETscan was helemaal niet goed. We zijn bang want er kan eigenlijk geen goed nieuws uitkomen, alleen maar iets ergs of iets nog ergers. Als ik zoiets lees (uit het boek ‘When Things Fall Apart’ van Pema Chödrön) dan word ik rustiger. Het is wat het is. Als het stormt kan ik de wind niet stoppen.
En ik weet dat ik, ondanks of dankzij alles, heel erg graag leef.